We are three days into the new school year.

The boy is a first grader and apparently that makes him all grown up.

Seriously it has only been 3 months, since the last time I had to take him to school. And I remember asking every morning, if he would just like to jump out and walk himself to class. (you'd think after entire life time together he'd realize how lazy I am) But nope, everyday he would say no, I want you to walk me and stay until the bell rings. So I did.

Now three days into this school year...my son is trying to jump out of the car before I get it into park.

So today I asked the same old question...and he says grumpy, "yeah you can walk me over" (I "can" should have been hint)

We cross the street and I feel his pace picking up and soon his backpack is getting further and further away...

I catch up and say "buddy, we are early you don't have to hurry"

And he responds, "You told me that already, I said you could walk me over, not WITH me "

What the hell did he just say! Caught off guard I walk up with him to his class, he throws his backpack on the hook and takes off for the playground...

I yell after him to say goodbye....and he stops, turns his head and gives me a look of embrassment and rolls his eyes and to make it worse...stomps off!

(PS...does he even realize how good he has it. I am young. I am "funky" and even have tattoos. I am cool mom damn it!!!!
he could be stuck with the mom that shows up in PJs...)

I've always considered the boy to be clingy and a mom's boy. But I think it's the reverse. I'm a clingy mom....and watching your child express independence is just weird...and I'm not ready.

filling out the boys emergency contact sheet for school.

lives with both parents in home (check)

insurance (check)

emergency contacts (shit)

I had one. That was family. And then one friend.
A year ago (ok maybe two years) I could have filled at least half a sheet.

Stupid emergency contact card. I hate realizing I have no people...

(ps... it is time to move.)

This is our conversation any time the girl sees a convertible on the road....

the girl: "mom, that's the car I want, that one with no top..."

me: "you are not old enough to drive, we will see"

the girl: "how old do I have to be again"

me: "16, they cost lots of money, so you better get a job"

the girl: "ok, but I'm gonna need a car to get to my work!!"

me: "#$%# $$%% #$#$ %$## @$%^ (under my breathe of course)

nothing like holding your niece and watching her coo and smile

to make your ovaries tingle....

but then the awkward warmth and familiar smell of spit up dripping down your chest

to make your ovaries shiver and shrink...

Just got back from my first meeting as the Assistant Division Director for the Boys U8.

Not sure exactly what I'm getting myself into, but I'm excited.

The part that craves chaos, thinks it sounds fun!

The rational mom side, is feeling a little guilty...that my volunteering means the hubby is going to be doing more too (oops)

But here we go!

(ps. I think I'm mostly excited about grumpy parents who like to bitch...and threaten to go over your head...it's a volunteer association people....fucking VOLUNTEER!)

(pps...yeap I'm a soccer mom...someone get me a bumper sticker)

choosing to ride my bike...

hopefully with the sounds of traffic
and the wind
and the fact that I'm moving at a decent speed....will muffle my cussing and screaming fit.

I'm trying to wrap my brain...and heart..around the simple fact that I'm in the middle of a break up...or better yet being "dumped"

Of course the whole process had-is-and will be sad and depressing....it really feels more puzzling...and when I go to try and talk it out...I just feel embarrassed...

There have been signs for a while....new friends coming in...drama...different lifestyles...common interests changed and well more drama...it's like we stopped having anything important to talk about.

And sadly throughout the last 6 months, I can't even recall the last time we spent time together, or a phone call that went beyond 3 mins...in fact since I'm listing it...I can't even recall the last time I got a phone call, an email, or text just to see how I..not this or that...but me..plain ol' me was doing...I know that I was the only one making those calls, because when I stopped to double check(thinking I was being dramatic)...I got silence...30 days of silence...

And the longer I dig through the pile, the more I realize that I was the friend.
I was being the friend...I didn't have a friend...she did.

But through all the puzzling facts I am left with simply the basic fact ...that a void has been created..suddenly this person is gone from my day-to-day existence...and that makes me sad...depressed and puzzled what to do next.

Embarrassed? That as an adult, married for 8 years and with 2 children...looking around at my life and realizing that as I sit here alone...on a day I need/want someone to just listen and "ah uh" me...just no loner cares

It's been 30 days of silence.

i keep saying it's not a big deal....i'm over it...and that I don't care.

but really....

my feelings are hurt

so....

i angry

but mostly....

i'm just really sad....

sad like i'm grieving a loss.

starting again...

no long update of the past year...

each kid got older...and well I did too (the dreaded 30)

I'm sure there were some funny things said along the way...

as well as moments I wanted to run for my life...

it's been a long time....I personally have been trudging through the hell of growing up and well embracing....

"Things do not change, we change."

"Run faster, you stupid fat lady!!"

The exact sentence my daughter yelled out her window yesterday....

Thankfully the lady was wearing headphones and missed those words of encouragement.

It's funny how simple playtime moments really start to define the personality of your children.

Like today.

The boy would never ever mix his playdough colors together. A year back or so after he learned the whole concept of red + blue make purple....I do recall him taking a small bit from different colors to see if it really did work. But that was it. And once it was proven, that was enough. Back to keepin them seperate. And yes of course, they go back to the exact container color the belong to.

The girl however, everytime she sits down to "create"...she dumps every color out...and kneads away. With no ryhme or reason. She just likes all the colors mashed together. And if she isn't mashing them together...she is switching the colors from their containers...because if you ask her...."it doesn't matter, mom...it's just playdough"

Round the world and home again
That's the sailor's way
Faster faster, faster faster

There's no earthly way of knowing
Which direction we are going
There's no knowing where we're rowing
Or which way the river's flowing

Is it raining, is it snowing
Is a hurricane a-blowing

No I didn't just the "wonka" movie.

It's just me...sitting now in the dark with the glow of the screen on my face....

Trying to remain calm. Making myself take a second and breathe, type slow and sink into the couch for a moment.

I was raging a minute ago. Literally on the war path. He who crossed me was taken out by a nasty verbal attack!
(thank god the kids were asleep in bed....)

All from the pressure of whipping the kids into eating, dressing, making lunches, doing homework, getting my self to work and now getting ready for Halloween...by the time friday hits...steam is gonna be blowing out my ears!

I really don't think anyone in this house understands what goes on in the background. I think at one point I yelled that...adding my head gets to spin with dates, times, things to buy, things to prep, things pack and sort and do....spinning spinnng spinning!

I'm the mom. The person who should be able to conquer mounts of laundry and dishes, diaper changes, gourmet meals all while curling my eyelashes.....but I can't.

I might be an adult. A mature, rational (ok that's ify) adult.

However once again...I am reminded by some stupid candy holiday....that I am not a super mom...
and that should be ok with me.

I'm ranting and trying to figure out when exactly I became the person responsible.
Responsible For Everything?

So the boy started kindergarten.

This whole school thing has been a big deal. I personally have been filling out transfer requests, making phone calls, praying and praying for a school since February. And in the end, he got into a pretty decent public elementary school (I've heard good things, and their school report card was good too).

All that work and the first day came and went.............. but not without a few bumps.

1. His official teacher is "ill" so he had one sub for a week...and now a another sub this week. This doesn't make me happy. I think sub and assume nothing is happening....but I guess only time will tell.

2. I tried taking "the first day of kindergarten" pics outside the class, and he told me I was embarrassing him.
(Oh just you wait my little boy....you haven't even seen embarrassing!)

3. When I walked him to the class, all the boys in the class were crying hysterically and trying to escape. I thought the boy seemed nervous and went to whisper an encouraging word and he about knocked me down with his cold stare! So instead I said my goodbyes...and drove off, slowly.....and I felt a bit sad.

He did come home a little bummed the first day. Said he didn't make any friends, and told him to give it a few days, all the kids are nervous. ( more like his mom was really nervous!)

But when I picked him up on his second day....he came running and proclaimed he made two friends!
I was so excited!

As we walked back to the car, I asked them if he remembered their names and he said "no"...."but that they were the white kids that speak english"


????????. So I've decided that his comment is the sum of our public school experience thus far!

She may not ever medal, but she is one crazy 3 year old.

I really don't follow the zodiac at all, but for some reason I came across the description of an aries....which also happens to be her sign.

Traditional Aries Traits

Adventurous and energetic, Pioneering and courageous, Enthusiastic and confident, Dynamic and quick-witted

On the dark side...

Selfish and quick-tempered, Impulsive and impatient, Foolhardy and daredevil


Ok, so if you know my daughter, that totally is her! And I love that it reads "on the dark-side" because believe me she has one...and it usually sends the whole house running for cover!

Regardless, she decided one afternoon, that she was ready for the deep end. I was on the phone relaxing and all of a sudden she just jumped in.....I went running thinking I was gonna be doing a search and rescue....and to my disbelieve, she popped up and swam back to the edge, got out and did it again, and again, and again. And then out of no where decided to flip off the edge!

So of course she only swims in the deep end now...which I'm happy she figured it out....but now I don't get to lay out and relax, I'm constantly waiting on the edge trying to convince her to come back to the stairs!

Enjoy the video, hopefully I get the flip downloaded soon too.

Seriously.

No seriously!

So this is an update post and a long overdue, thank you note!


1. James got a new job!

2. James got a new job! With a schedule. No travel. No overtime. Insurance.

3. James got a new job! We got our life back!

It's taken me a while to blog it...because it just didn't seem real. It all happened in like 3 days. A close friends neighbor overheard a conversation about him needing to find something, mentioned it my husband, he called the company, got an interview, and then a second interview and a job offer.

And it's an amazing opportunity for him. And the crazy part is he is totally "green" for the position but they didn't care, they wanted him and will train him! God is amazing! It makes me giggle sometimes.

So what else is new....

1. James is also going back to school. For the job, taking some class to learn some program

2. The girl is swimming in the deep end and doing flips off the side of the pool. Makes me proud and hysterical all at once.

3. The boy started school (post to come). I'd work 3 jobs to have him back in private school....but I'm going to make the best of it. I think the transition is harder on me than anyone else.

4. I've taken to a life of commuting. Now driving the boy school 5 days a week....back and forth, back and forth, that is my day

Things are really good right now. We are still basking in the awe of the new job and the freedom it continues to bring us. It's so amazing how much it has changed things!

You pray. And Pray. And Pray...

You dot your "i" and cross your "t", its all covered.

You've got a good feeling about it. I said, I feel things changing. This is the time, it's a right it fits.

I prayed, and prayed.

This whole time nervous, yet confident....secure. I mean we dotted our "i's" and crossed our "t's". And prayed....

And then the disappointment came fast and hard.

You tell yourself don't go there....you can't do that....but why?

Cuz you kow I just really want to know!

Is God really in control of our lives?

Right now it doesn't feel like it.

And it's not the disappoint. This missed opporunity or the asking and praying. I just don't get where this whole thing is going. Where are the blessings...I can't take another closed door!

Am I really suppose to buy into the idea that "everything that happens is part of God's good and perfect will for our lives--pieces of the grand, master plan?" Really? I mean come on really?

Ya...ok. I'm emotional. I'm stressed. I'm pissed off. I'm tired.
And ya, this is probably something I've gotta figure out between Him and me.

But right now..my life is not feeling controlled! And though I might be more to blame. I'm angry. I'm disappointed. I'm confused. And feeling done. Really, really done. I'm done asking. I'm done praying.

I really shouldn't be looking for perspective this late at night!

The girl has been really giving to me lately. Between the constant yelling of demands, fits!!!!, and of course the hitting, she has spent a lot of time in timeout. Some timeouts lasting 30 mins.

(no I do not do timeouts, timed by their age. My kids get to set in room and scream until they are ready to listen. Today while in timeout, she was so pissed she kept running and charging at her door...we are all waiting the arrive of dad this week)

So, that being said.

The Girl has a baby doll she named Ariel. I think mainly because she has red hair and came with a swimsuit on.

Ariel has really made her way into the family. It was cute at first. But that Ariel has a really bad attitude.

Ariel is constantly in time out. And The Girl will even come over and explain what she did (usually an offensive she did that day) and ask me what she should do.

(haha) being one not to miss a learning moment (haha) I explain well if you or your brother hit someone you'd have to go to timeout and afterwards you would need to apologize.

Now this has been going on for days. And The Girl has even been complaining that Ariel "has a bad attitude".

Tonight after Ariel hit another baby doll....The Girl went to get her from time out and she was gone!

She came in screaming "Ariel is missing!?!"

"Oh" really I said, "was she done with her timeout?"

"No, she's gone, and I can't find her....?"

"hmm, lets go look". I was convinced The Boy did something with her....but he swore he didn't....and I DID NOTHING (I swear).

Preparing myself for a paniced "mommy"....she turns to me dead face, drops her arms and says....

"she ran away....she says I'm a mean mommy"

(uh? is the girl planning to run away?)

p.s. I still have not found the doll. I'm a little freaked out...

(update: ariel returned the next day. The girl explained to me that She (ariel) changed her attitude was gonna be ressssspectful...........all I said was "hmm")

the boy: i don't wanna go to school anymore.....

me: well, summer is almost here and you get a break for a few months...and then you gotta go back.

the boy: i hate school

me: hmm..that's too bad, because you are gonna be in school for a very long time...

the boy: I KNOW. That's why I wanna be a baby!

me: uh?

the boy: babies don't go to school....and if I'm not a baby...then I have to school and then when I stop going to school I have to get a job!

me: yeap!

where's hope when misery comes crawling...

So i was ready....really really ready to be home.

So ready that I made the 14 hour drive in one day.....

Now....

I'm home....

And when vacation ends....it really ends!

And reality has just bitch slapped me in the face!